Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
