He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
