**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
