He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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