She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
