Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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