need another drink. this is the easiest way
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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