I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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