Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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