i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
