I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
