i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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