fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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