Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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