Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
