guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize