Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
