I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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