I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
