you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
