Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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