I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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