Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
