So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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