The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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