everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
