I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
