The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
