I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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