I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm like, not good at living.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
