I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
