Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
