Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
