my phone needs a breathalizer
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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