i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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