party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
When are your genitals available?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
