I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
