he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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