I'm lost and stupid without you.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
