paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
