Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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