if only i could text you this smell
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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