I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
