I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
