I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
