She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
