go do what you do best...puke behind churches
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Dick very happy bro
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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