What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
