Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
