Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
