whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
