Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
