At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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