guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
