haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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