Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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