i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
