i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
