Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
