drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
