I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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